


Breathe, Kid (You're Not Alone)

by happyaspie



Series: Spider-man Stories: Not Otherwise Specified [6]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Anger, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Character Death, Crying, Depressed Peter Parker, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Five Stages of Grief, Grief/Mourning, Hero Complex, I Made Myself Cry, I'm Not Ashamed, May Parker is the best, Ned Leeds Dies, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker is a Mess, Self-Doubt, Some fluff if you squint, Supportive May Parker (Spider-Man), Supportive Tony Stark, The Author Regrets Nothing, Things Will Look Up in the End, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Hold's Peter Parker's Spark of Hope, Tony Stark is a Good Mentor, Tony Stark is helping, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-03
Updated: 2020-01-03
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:53:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21864784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/happyaspie/pseuds/happyaspie
Summary: Ned died and Peter feels responsible.He doesn't allow himself to grieve and eventually, it all becomes entirely too much to bear.  No matter how hard he tries, he just can't hold it back anymore and ends up having a complete breakdown right in the middle of Tony's lab.
Relationships: May Parker (Spider-Man) & Peter Parker, May Parker (Spider-Man) & Peter Parker & Tony Stark, Ned Leeds & Peter Parker, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Series: Spider-man Stories: Not Otherwise Specified [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1574956
Comments: 10
Kudos: 135





	Breathe, Kid (You're Not Alone)

It had been weeks since Ned's passing and Peter wasn't coping. He said that he was. He put on a happy face and returned to his regular activities within a day of the funeral. When questioned about his slipping grades he blamed the workload. When being lectured about his constant lack of regard for his curfew he blamed a recent rise in crime. Whenever he snapped at Tony or yelled at May, he blamed it on a bad patrol or a long day and every single excuse came with his patent-pending line of 'I'm fine.'

May knew Peter wasn't fine. Tony knew Peter wasn't fine. Hell, everyone except for Peter seemed to know that Peter _wasn't fine._ His best friend had died and he'd not shed a singular tear. Beyond the shock that came with the first few days, he let the weeks pass as if nothing had happened. Both adults had tried to coax him into talking about it but he wouldn't budge. _'I'm fine.'_

They both knew that he wasn't going to be able to hold everything back as he was, forever. There was no way he'd was left unaffected by the loss of his constant companion. It was just a matter of time before he cracked and they just hoped that when he did, he was somewhere safe. 

~o~o~o~o~o~

It was a stormy and dark Saturday afternoon when the emotional pressure that had been building inside of Peter finally hit its climax. It had all been bubbling and festering for so long that he couldn't stop it when it happened. It was like a shaken-up bottle of soda. Once the lid is removed, it's nearly impossible to get it back on before it makes a gushing, sticky mess. All you can do is turn it over to the sink and hope for the best. Of all the places that a melt-down of that caliber could have taken place, it just so happened that he was in Tony's lab.

After catching him out in the midst of the storm, Tony had forcefully demanded that Peter come to work with him in the lab. He'd pushed a call through to the boy's HUD and insisted that patrol was not happening that day. He drew the line there. Swinging around through high winds, rain and lightning went well beyond an unhealthy coping mechanism and was skating into the territory of self-destruction. He wouldn't have it. _If anything happened to Peter..._

Once he had him in the lab, they worked side by side, for quite a while, until Tony felt comfortable enough to allow the kid to work on his own. Though, he still felt the need to keep a close eye. Peter hadn't been himself since they'd gotten there. He assumed it was resentment. He'd had to practically drag the kid there by the collar of his suit. 

It wasn't thirty minutes after he'd gotten started on his own project that the man heard the sound of all of Peter's tools hitting the floor with several loud clanks followed by a choking sob that had erupted from the boy's throat seemingly against his will. At the commotion, Tony darted across the room just as Peter was lowering himself to the floor in an attempt to pick up his things but something took over and he couldn't. He ended up falling back into the wall with a wrench still in his hand. 

Opting to sit down beside where Peter had settled himself against the wall, Tony removed the now warped tool from the kid's enhanced grip. The action did nothing to draw the boy's attention but he could see him trying to metally pull everything back in. He wasn't going to allow it. They were so close to a healthy response that he was going to do whatever he had to do to stop Peter from curling back in on himself. "Talk to me kid. None of us can help you if you don't talk to us."

"I can't!", Peter snapped back loudly, taking Tony by surprise. They were so close together that the outburst had made his ears ring. Even so, he couldn't help but feel a little bit of relief. That was a start. Anger was a start. He could work with that. Anything was better than the indifference... the denial... that the boy had been locked in since the funeral. 

"Yes you can, Buddy. I'm right here and waiting.", Tony replied as he weighed whether or not he should reach out to try and offer his kid some sort of physical comfort. He was just so afraid that if he did or said too much, that the boy would clam up, apologize and go back to cleaning up his mess as if nothing had ever happened.

Still not looking anywhere other than towards the tools that were still strewn across the floor, Peter clenched his fist and hammered them so hard onto the tiled floor that tiny cracks appeared beneath them. "I can't talk to anyone. I have no one to talk to!", he shouted. Shouting meant he wasn't crying and he refused to cry. Crying meant defeat.

Feeling a deep pang of hurt that ran right through is soul, Tony closed his eyes. He knew that in reality, that was Peter's grief speaking. That deep down the kid knew he _did_ have people to talk to. He had May. _He had him._ "Kid, I'm literally right here, begging you to talk to me. If you don't want to talk to May then please talk to me. I'm listening.", he practically begged. "It's killing us to see you like this, Pete. We know you're hurt. You don't have to hide that from us. We can help you."

Anger blossomed in Peter's chest without his permission and he once again slammed his fist towards the ground, this time causing little chips of ceramic and dust to fly out from under them. "How! How can you help me with this! You can't, you can't bring him back! He's gone. I watched them bury him, Tony. I watched his parents cry on his gravestone. No one can help with that. What's done is done. There's no, there's no helping that!", he shouted before he could stop himself. He knew Tony didn't like it when he raised his voice at him but for some reason, part of him was just itching to pick a fight. 

Nodding his head in painful agreement, Tony tentatively reached over to place his hand on the boy's leg, only to have it jerked out from under his touch. That too, hurt but he tried to tell himself that this was just what Peter's grief looked like right now. He still needed him. "You're right, we can't undo it but we can help you heal. You need to talk about it, kid. Tell me what your feeling. Let it out. You can't keep holding it all in like this."

"Yes, I can! I have to.", Peter shouted back, this time with another sob threatening to escape his lips. He could feel it rise painfully in his throat and tangle into his words as he spoke. "I have to..."

Furrowing his brows at the cryptic statement, Tony softened his tone to something almost unrecognizable. "Why? Who told you that you're not allowed to mourn?"

"I, I did. I can't help May or, or Mr. and Ms. Leeds or the kids at school...", Peter replied, trying his hardest to harden his tone to prevent any further tears to come through as he spoke. He had to take a deep breath in the middle to prevent it from happening. "...I can't help them or, or anybody else... if I'm a mess. I have to keep it together.", he added as he rubbed his hands vigorously over his face.

For some reason, the idea that Peter would go so far as to put those kinds of limitations on his own feelings caused irritation to take over Tony's concern. He hadn't meant for it to happen but he snapped. "No, you don't! It's not _your job_ to help them when you're hurt too!", he almost shouted but Peter seemed more than eager to meet his tone.

"It is _my job_ , Tony! I'm Spider-man. _Helping people_ is what I do. I'm stronger than this.", the boy clipped, straightening his back and schooling his features in the process. 

Without pause, Tony came back but as he spoke the fire behind his words died out. "Ned was Peter Parker's best friend! Spider-man has nothing to with it! ...Peter Parker is allowed to be sad that he lost his best friend..."

Having fallen so deep into the argument that he was no longer filtering his words, Peter turned towards his mentor and glared. Not the playful glare that Tony was used, this time the man could practically see the sparks of anger flashing behind his kid's eyes. "Spider-man has everything to do with it!", the boy spat as if that should have been the most obvious thing in the world. 

"What do you mean, Pete?", Tony asked in confusion. 

"Nothing! Just leave me alone!", Peter snapped but even when Tony made it very clear that he was there to stay, he didn't make a move to get up either. He wasn't sure if it was because he lacked the energy or if there was a small part of him that actually wanted the company. He tried to convince himself that it was the former.

"I can't do that, Buddy. Not when you're like this. Keep talking to me. What do you mean?", Tony prompted once again but when Peter remained tight-lipped, he didn't continue to press. He allowed the silence to take over. Then, just as he was beginning to think that he wasn't going to be able to get anything else from the kid that day, Peter growled under his breath.

"I'm a superhero for Christ's sake!", he snarled as he was once again reminded of his failure. Ned had walked home from school alone that day because he couldn't wait to get back into his suit. Because of that, he wasn't there when Ned walked into a corner store as it was being robbed. He wasn't there when a masked man raised the gun towards his friend. He wasn't there when the trigger was pulled. If he had been, things would have ended very differently. He was certain of it and that made him angry. "I could have stopped it! If I had walked home with him instead of going out patrolling--"

"--Then you would have been shot too!", Tony interjected with vehemence. Losing Ned had been terrible but losing both of them would have been beyond devastating. Then a fabricated image flashed across his eyes that made his stomach turn and the air to leave his chest. He nearly lost himself inside of his own head at that moment but Peter's sharp response pulled him back to the present.

"I heal!", Peter roared angerly in return. He had superhuman reflexes... he had his spider-sense... the likelihood of him being shot was slim. Even if he had been, his enhanced healing left him far less vulnerable. Though admittedly not invincible.

Frustrated that he couldn't seem to get Peter to see the situation as he did, Tony threw his hands up in frustration. "The end result would have been exactly the same! We would still be where we are right now!", he returned, regretting the words the moment they came out of him. That particular statement, while probably true wasn't exactly consoling or sympathetic. He couldn't find it in himself to take it back, though. Especially with the kid was back to glaring at him.

"You don't know that, Tony!", Peter quickly retorted. 

"Neither to do you!", Tony spat back without missing a beat but after that, he grew quiet. As he took several measured breaths, he tried to remind himself that an argument wasn't what the kid needed. He needed guidance. Guidance from someone who already knew what that particular brand of guilt felt like. "Pete...This job... this, this...heroism... all we can do is try to save as many people as we can and sometimes... _sometimes_ that doesn't mean everybody. That's something we all have to learn to live with, Buddy.", he whispered as though back to one-hundred-and-seventeen lives lost in Sokovia alone... but God, there had been so many more. New York, Washington... all of the damage done by the sale of his own company's weapons...

Peter took a shaky breath and tried to bite back the rebuttable that was right at the tip of his tongue. They'd had that conversation before, Tony telling him that he couldn't save everyone but that didn't stop him from feeling the way he did at the moment This wasn't just _anyone_... this was _Ned_ and that made it _different_. "I should have walked home with him. Because of me, he's gone.", he said past the renewed lump in his throat. The more he thought about it the harder it became to keep his tears at bay and then before he knew it, they were falling down his cheeks in rapid succession. His vision was blurring and suddenly, he couldn't seem to get enough air. "I can't, I can't--", he struggled but everything he wanted to say seemed to get lost in his attempts to properly fill his lungs.

Watching the boy crumble, Tony took a chance and scooted a bit closer to him. When their legs were touching and Peter didn't flinch, he carefully reached out, making sure Peter was watching before slowly lowering his hand onto the boy's chest. "You need to breathe, kiddo.", he quietly urged. "There you go, deep breaths.", he repeated for several minutes until the frantic panting became quiet sobs.

"I just wish I had been there _with him_.", Peter managed to get out once he'd resigned himself to the fact that this was happening. He couldn't hold it back anymore. He was just thankful that he was with Tony and no one else. No no other person in the world could possibly understand what he was feeling. Not even May. Though he knew she would always try her hardest to.

"I know, Buddy. I know.", Tony sighed out as he pulled Peter closer to himself, allowing the teenager to fall limply against this side. "I hear you."

After that, Peter quietly cried for quite some time before speaking up again. When he did it was quiet. Almost as if it were some sort of whispered confession. "Mr. Leeds asked me to go eat lunch with them last Sunday. He said that it would help Ms. Leeds feel better so I went.", he said, taking a deep breath to keep his emotions under control before he continued. "It felt so wrong to be there and I wanted to run but I couldn't because Ms. Leeds needed me. I can't, I couldn't just not help her. She lost her son because of me.", he breathed out as hot tears continued to burn his eyes.

Tony clenched his jaw and closed his eyes. "How many times do I need to tell you that this wasn't your fault for you to believe me, kid? I swear I'll say it a thousand times if that's what it takes. Not. Your. Fault...", he replied and he meant it. Though he completely understood the kid's thought process. ' _When you can do the things that I can, but you don't, and then the bad things happen, they happen because of you.'_ , played through his head and he sighed. Deep down, he knew that he may never be able to fully convince the boy that this wasn't his burden to bear _._ ...but he would continue to try until the end of time if he had to. "...and you lost someone too, Pete."

"I know...", Peter admitted as he started to wipe at his wet cheeks. "...but I have to be there for her, right? For Ned?"

"Only when you're ready. Ned wouldn't want you to be torturing yourself like this.", Tony replied before turning his body in such a way that he could look down at where Peter's head was resting so heavily upon his shoulder. "You don't have to pretend that you're okay. It's okay to _not be okay_ sometimes."

In reality, Peter knew that but hearing it come from Tony, his hero, the person he looked up the most, made it feel like maybe it really was okay for him to be something of a mess sometimes and he took in a shuddering breath. "I miss him. I just really, miss him."

"I know you do, Buddy.", Tony said softly after leaning his cheek down onto the top of Peter's head.

"He knew all of me, Tony. He was more than my friend he was my... my...", Peter tried to explain but his words trailed off. He didn't quite know how to express everything that Ned was to him. It was complicated.

"...Guy in the Chair?", Tony chuckled lightly. The idea that the teenagers had bound together as some sort of team had always amused him. Ned really was a good friend.

"Yeah.", Peter replied with a wet laugh. That didn't really sum it up completely but it was a good start. "It was nice to have a friend that I could be my whole self around. I don't have anyone else."

"You have me, kid.", Tony said with slight disappointment. He'd grown so attached to Peter that at times it was hard to remember that he wasn't his. He thought the feelings were somewhat mutual. 

"You don't understand!", Peter strained not knowing how deep those three little words cut into his mentor's heart. 

"So help me understand. Explain it to me.", Tony returned as his own emotions began to take over. "I want to understand..."

Peter bit his lip and tried to decide where to start. His thoughts and feeling were complex to the point that some of them, even he didn't understand. "Ned was my friend. The only one that knows-- _knew_ about my spider powers..." Tony wanted to interject that he and May knew about them also but he held his tongue while Peter seemed to read his mind. "...I know what your thinking but you and May knowing doesn't really count! He wasn't like you guys. We could...it was just _different._ He didn't worry the way you guys do.", Peter began to rapidly explain as best he could. "He wasn't a... a... _parent_.", he added, cutting eyes towards the man to try and read his reaction. When Tony's face remained neutral he continued. "It was a different dynamic."

While hearing Peter refer to him as a parent made him want to smile. He couldn't. The situation wouldn't allow it but he would be repeating those words in his head for days to come. "I suppose that makes sense. ...but you're not alone, kid.", he replied with gravity. 

"I _feel_ alone. I feel... empty.", Peter admitted with a quiver to his lip. "Like I'll never be whole again."

"You will be. It'll get better.", Tony hurriedly assured. He knew how achingly, difficult, a loss could be but he also knew that it got better with time. Even if it never went away completely. It never crossed his mind that this wasn't the kid's first time having to deal with something of this nature but he was soon painfully reminded.

Sitting up and dropping his eyes to the floor, Peter swallowed hard. "I know. This isn't my first loss. I don't know why this one feels so different.", he whispered, reminding Tony that he'd already attended more than his fair share of funerals.

"They all feel different, Buddy.", Tony replied with care. "The sadness I felt when I lost my mom and dad was different than what I felt when I lost Jarvis. ... and both of those felt different from the sadness I felt when I lost my...", he began before realizing he never thought about what Ho Yinson was to him. They had spent three months of being held captive together in a cave, watched each other suffer by the hands of their captors... They had worked closely together as partners. They'd shared stories about their lives and families. He supposed they were friends, though he realized it was probably far more convoluted than that. The man had saved his life even and he'd never stopped regretting that he'd been unable save his in return. That had maybe been the hardest part. "...my _friend._ " 

Peter nodded his head in mild understanding. "When my parents died I was too little to understand. I was just sad they didn't come home. With Ben... I was worried about May and I was...", he said, taking a pause to decide if he should continue. "... I was mad at myself for not stopping it. I spent months trying to find the guy who killed him... until you came along. Then it got better somehow.", he went on, though he blushed lightly at the last words. 

Tony knew Peter had lost his uncle shortly before he'd found him but he didn't guess he'd ever realized that his presence had been of any kind of helpful. He hadn't exactly been there for the kid at first. He'd left him to Happy, only stepping in when he felt as though he had too. It wasn't until later that he realized he needed-- no, _wanted_ to be more hands-on with him. "Oh, kid--", he began. 

"--Let me talk! You wanted me to talk!", Peter stressed and Tony nodded his head to let the kid know he was listening again. "With Ned... It's like it's affected everything and everyone I know. When Uncle Ben died I only had to worry Aunt May and we were able to, sort of... _help each other_ but this... Ned... It's not just at home or when I pass a certain ice cream shop that I notice that he's gone. It's here, it's at school, at the movies, when I'm trying to do my homework, even when I'm on patrol... There's literally nowhere that I can go that I don't feel like he should be there too, at least on the phone. It's just different like that... I can't explain it."

"You don't have to, Pete. I understand.", Tony replied. He knew that Peter and Ned were perpetually together. Attached at the hip, as May had put it. Even when they were apart there were constant text messages and video calls. He had a friend like that too. One he'd known so long that they were practically brothers. He still vividly remembered the day he'd almost lost him. "He was your Rhodey.", he said with a half-cocked smile.

Peter sniffed, wiping his nose on the sleeve of his hoodie. "Yeah, I guess he was.", he replied with a ghost of a laugh. "He was the best."

"The very best.", Tony agreed as he pulled Peter back into his embrace and kissed him gently on the temple. They stayed that way for several minutes until his back and hips began to inveigh against the position he was in. The floor was hard and the wall could only offer so much support. "Why don't we go upstairs, Pete?", he whispered into Peter's hair where it was tickling against his nose. "I can order us some dinner and you can tell me all about your buddy. I want to know everything."

Sitting up, Peter once again scrubbed his hands over his face before standing and helping Tony to do the same. He was still somewhat ashamed of his obvious break-down but at the same time, it had felt good to get it all off his chest, to talk to someone and have them understand. Then Suddenly, telling the man every detail of his friendship with Ned sounded almost appealing and he smiled a sad sort of smile. "Yeah. I think I would like that.", he replied with a shaky breath. 

As they headed upstairs, they both knew that everything couldn't be solved in one conversation. They also knew that the sorrow was a far cry from being ameliorated. However, for the first time weeks, Peter felt a spark of hope. Like, maybe he could heal. It would be a long road but he didn't feel so alone anymore. 

_It was a start._

**Author's Note:**

> I Know... I'm sorry but... hear me out. People are always killing off May... or Tony... but no one (that I am aware of) has ever killed off Ned and I sort of wanted to explore how Peter might handle that. I won't do it again... probably... 😂


End file.
